365 Days of Punky Monkey
by herwhiteknight
Summary: A collection of Sarah/Cosima fics that will be uploaded sporadically. Trying to write everyday, but no promises.
1. Outside The Window

"You're unusually touchy tonight," Cosima commented as she set down her recently refilled mug of tea, glancing over at Sarah momentarily before turning her attention back to the homework on her laptop.

Sarah shrugged, drumming a light pattern against the inside of Cosima's knee as she sunk further into the couch beside her. "It's not like you'll let me talk to you while you're working on... whatever that is."

"It's one of my biggest assignments of my semester Sar," Cosima explained, pulling a hand from her keyboard to tangle her fingers through Sarah's restless ones. "But I'm almost finished this section for tonight, after that we can-"

A loud crack of thunder sounded outside their window, shaking the thin walls of their apartment and causing Sarah to jump, her jaw clenching, her grip tightening over Cosima's thigh. "Yeah sure, Cos. You do what you have to, I'll just-"

"Are you scared of thunderstorms, Sarah?" Cosima asked quietly, stroking a soothing pattern over the back of Sarah's taut hand.

"Not scared!" Sarah insisted in a way that would have been humorous – if not for expression of mingled fear and _memories_ in her eyes. "Just.. didn't really have very many good experiences with them.

Cosima looked at her assignment blinking up at her from her screen. Not as far as she would've liked, but – Sarah's hand twitched underneath hers at another smaller crash from the world outside, and she decided that it could wait for another night.

"C'mon," she said decisively, keying the save on her word document and shutting her laptop, "Let's go snuggle, okay?"

"But, your assignment-"

"It's good enough for tonight," Cosima smiled gently at her girlfriend as she stood, keeping her hand soft in Sarah's as she encouraged her to follow with a gentle tug.

Sarah was about to protest once more, when yet another peal of thunder rattled the windows. "Sure," she agreed in a tiny voice, her shoulders slumping more than usual as she rose and followed Cosima to the bed.

Cosima immediately lifted up the covers and slid under the sheets, wiggling towards the middle of the bed and patting the empty space in front of her. Sarah took a little more time, almost self-consciously stripping of her leather jacket and jeans as Cosima watched her with care in her eyes.

Sarah eventually settled in beside Cosima, but her posture and body language communicated her discomfort without a word. Cosima slung an arm around her waist, slipped the other between the bed and Sarah's stiff shoulders and kissed her cheek. "You don't have to tell me what's wrong. But I'm here to help," Cosima whispered against her ear.

It was a testament to how far Sarah had come as a person, how far she had come in her relationship with Cosima that she didn't balk at Cosima's words, at her promise. That she actually managed to sink a little further into Cosima's hold, to breath her in and to relax as the world collapsed outside.

"Just... talk to me, Cos. Please," Sarah murmured, turning her nose into Cosima's collarbone, dropping her forehead to the top of Cosima's shoulder.

"Okay," Cosima nodded minutely, mindful not to jostle Sarah's resting position. "What do you want to hear about?"

"You," Sarah whispered, her breath ghosting across Cosima's skin, making her shiver. But the good, I-love-that-you're-near kind of shiver. "Your childhood, yenno? Just anything about you."

Cosima hummed for a moment, in quiet thought. Then, after a small pause, began talking about the first time she broke bone. "So there was this cat, right, a stray. Gross matted fur, snaggle tooth, my mom wanted me to stay, like, fifteen feet away from it at all times. But it went up tree a right, right? And I just wanted to hug it, so I..."

Sarah sighed, long and slow, evening her breathing in and out with the lilt of Cosima's storytelling. She knew one day she would tell Cosima about her abortion, how it ruined her, how she spent hours slumped in an alleyway in the pouring rain after it was over, how she cried and tried to work up the courage to call Mrs. S.

But for the time being, she just kissed Cosima's neck softly, making Cosima hum again as Sarah burrowed in deeper to her hold. And let the world outside disappear around them.


	2. Unrequited Love

Part ONE

Cal was invited over for clone family game night the second that he was inducted into The Club. "He's Kira's father, Cos," Sarah had explained her reasoning after she had hung up the phone with the lumberjack. "He deserves to be there. Kira should get to know him."

"But Sarah-"

"You don't need to worry, Cos!" Sarah said with a laugh, tucking her phone back into her jean pocket and drawing closer to Cosima. "He is _so_ not my type anymore."

"Oh?" Cosima grinned coyly, sliding her hands up Sarah's shoulders and linking her fingers around her neck. "So just exactly _who_ is your type now?"

"Mm," Sarah hummed, her lips so very close to Cosima's. "You wanna come find out?"

"How much time do we have?" Cosima said, her breath hitching at Sarah's fingers brushing against the small of her back.

"Alison's probably gonna be her usual thirty minutes early, so... maybe about fifteen?" Sarah muttered, more preoccupied with kissing Cosima's neck than calculating minutes.

"Is that enough time?"

"You tell me," Sarah smirked, slipping a hand down Cosima's panties, immediately and skillfully curling her fingers.

"Cherie...," a hand shook her shoulder, pulling her out of her erotic dream. "Cosima? Cosima, wake up please?"

"Huhm, mm, Sa... I-" Cosima murmured blurrily, opening her eyes and catching sight of a mass of dirty blonde curls. "Uh, shit, um.. Delphine. Something wrong?"

"You were seeming to have a nightmare," Delphine said carefully, her eyes flashing strangely.

Heat shot right down to Cosima's core as the feeling of Sarah's fingers inside her came back into her mind. "N-nightmare. R-right, uh, yeah, a.. a nightmare."

"Was Sarah in danger too?" Delphine said coldly as she threw the twisted sheets off of her body and rose from the bed.

"Uh.. Sarah?" Cosima tried to hide her gulp. Thankfully, Delphine was turned around, pulling on the pyjamas that she had shed last night in their haste to get to bed.

Turning around, Delphine dropped all pretenses and folded her arms. "If what we have isn't enough for you anymore, Cosima, that you seem to get more enjoyment from your dreams of _Sarah_ than from reality with me, then-"

Cosima knew she was caught, but she still blustered, "Delphine, I have no idea – Sarah and I aren't, you know, she's got Cal! Like, and even if that wasn't true, what you're talking about, it's totally insane-"

"I woke up last night during your _nightmare,_ Cosima," Delphine said slowly, "You were.. riding my thigh. And moaning Sarah's name."

Cosima gave in. "Okay. Okay Delphine, I... I'm sorry. Believe me, I wish I.. I wish I didn't, you know?" she said quietly, sitting up slowly, dropping her hands into the twisted sheets that covered her intimacy. Cosima's defeated tone caused Delphine to drop her arms, a strangely wounded expression crossing her face. "I wish I could just... not _feel_ and _think_ about her the way I do, you know? Because.. because you're.. _you,_ Delphine, you're the one that's perfect for me. You really are. And I love you. But.. I love Sarah too."

Almost unwillingly, it seemed, Delphine sunk back down onto the edge of the bed next to Cosima. Took a hand within hers, squeezing lightly, and glanced up from under her lashes at Cosima. "Cherie...," she murmured softly, "Does Sarah know? Has she suspected anything at all?"

"If she did, d'you think I'd be humping your leg every night?" Cosima asked wryly, then immediately flinched when Delphine pulled her hand away. "Bad joke, I'm sorry. That was.. stupid. Even if Sarah did know, I couldn't leave you for her. She's in love with Cal..."

"And.. if she didn't?" Delphine asked hesitantly.

"Didn't love Cal?" Cosima asked, bitterness unconsciously entering her tone. Delphine nodded minutely. "I dunno," Cosima continued with a heavy sigh, "I do love you Delphine. I just.. it's stupid and I hate it but.. sometimes.. sometimes you're not enough."

* * *

Part TWO

Sarah regretted asking Cosima and Delphine if they wanted to join her, Cal and Kira at the park. She thought it would be nice, getting outside, especially since Cosima hadn't really been outside in weeks, and likewise thought it would be a nice gesture to extend the invitation along to Delphine. The French woman was smart, saying that she couldn't possibly intrude on the family time, but Sarah wanted Cosima to know that Delphine was welcome at any time.

It was the least that Sarah could do. Since, you know, Cosima loved Delphine and all.

But, half an hour into watching Kira slide down slides and taking turns pushing her on the swing with Cal, Sarah became quite aware to the exact reason why she didn't want Delphine around. Not because she was dangerous, or that her loyalties still resided with DYAD, but because-

"Delphine and Cosima sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-" Kira started to chant with a giggle as she spied the aforementioned couple sitting, not in a tree, but on a bench. And, true enough-

"Kira," Cal scolded lightly, shaking his head at the girl as he went in front of the swing set and held his hands up for Kira to kick on the way up. "It's not nice to draw attention to something private."

Sarah had been resolutely ignoring both the exchange and the subject of the exchange. Because she loved Cal. And, more importantly, she loved Kira. And Kira loved her dad. So she wasn't gonna be ruining any of their little family dynamic just for some stupid crush.

"Mommy!" she heard Kira complain high above her. "Can you stop pushing? I want down."

"Oh," Sarah laughed a little, shaking her head to clear the jealousy. Unfortunately, the image of Delphine and Cosima together that she caught with an earlier quick glance remained burned into her brain. "Sorry about that monkey!"

"Guess you were a little distracted, huh?" Cal drew closer to the side of the swing where Sarah was as Kira slowed herself down.

"Why, what would I be distracted with? I was just thinking," Sarah shrugged, trying, and failing, an easy grin.

"Thinking about how you wish you didn't invite Delphine along?" Cal asked shrewdly, glancing over at the couple on the bench, who had finally broken apart for air. And for a tug on Cosima's sleeve. "No tact, that one," Cal laughed as he watched Cosima address Kira. "She gets it from you, I think."

"Bullshit," Sarah laughed as well, whacking him on the arm.

"You know I'm right," he said, catching her arm and pulling her close, his other hand settling around her waist. The moment slowed, and Sarah let herself fall into the warmth he provided. Let herself glance at his lips and make the first move. Let herself shut her eyes and enjoy the moment. _Try_ and enjoy the moment, at least.

"Uh, hey? Sarah?"

Sarah jerked in Cal's embrace, eyes flying open and heart thumping wildly. _Why_ the hell Cosima's mere _voice_ affected her more than Cal's lips on hers did, Sarah had no clue. She coughed, rolled her eyes inwardly at herself and convinced herself that she wasn't going to get the one she wanted this time. "Yeah Cos?" she said, glowing with a small amount of pride at how casual she sounded.

"Kira wants to me and Delphine to take her around the park and tell her about the different plants and trees and stuff. Is that, uh, is that okay?" Cosima gestured to Delphine with her free hand – Kira was clinging to her other one.

Sarah glanced at Delphine, who was hanging back behind the aunt and daughter duo, her expression a dead give away that she was the odd woman out. Sarah sighed, lifting her hand to Cal's chest and resting it there. Like she was comfortable. Like she didn't care. "Of course, yeah. She can't turn out like me, now can she?" Sarah plastered on a grin, growing a little more genuine at Kira's excited shout, and watch Cosima turn back to Delphine and interlock their fingers as they walked away.

When they were out of earshot, Cal stepped back from the embrace and led her back to the swings. They were child-sized, which suited Sarah almost perfectly, but Cal looked more than a little uncomfortable. Sarah laughed at the image he presented, eliciting a grin from him that soon faded as he opened his mouth to speak.

"I see the way you look at her, Sarah," he said softly, his calloused fingers tapping a nonsensical rhythm against the chain links of the swing. "You love her."

Sarah's breath caught in her throat. Before seeing a way out. "Kira? You're a bloody idiot sometimes, y'know that Cal? 'Course I love her."

"And you're a stupid tit, Sarah Manning," Cal responded, mocking her accent, reaching out to yank on her chain, sending her zigzagging. "You know who I'm talking about."

"No, I bloody _don't,"_ Sarah snapped as she dragged her toes in the sand to correct her course. "Delphine's still probably a bloody _spy_ and Cosima-" Sarah cut herself off, the name catching in her throat. _God, she couldn't even_ say _her stupid name without falling in l-_

"I can see it on your face, Sarah. Hell, _everyone_ can probably see it," he said, shrugging expansively.

"Everyone except Cosima, y'mean," Sarah muttered. Before abruptly realizing that she had said those words _out loud_ and dug her heels into the sand, abruptly halting her momentum.

"Sarah! Sarah, would you just – wait?!" Cal called after her. Sarah hadn't even been aware that she had moved away in the first place. "C'mon, stop – stop running, okay? Just for one minute?"

"M'not-" Sarah started with a huff, stomping to a frustrated stop, turning and folding her arms. Found him standing within inches of her.

"Sure you're not. Because we're not halfway across the park right now," Cal sighed, tangling his hand in his hair in exasperation. "Why are you acting so-"

"Acting so what, Cal?" Sarah asked, shoving her face into his, stepping into his bubble. But it felt nothing like her arguments with Cosima. The heat was the same but the passion wasn't. And she hated that it wasn't.

He studied her eyes, as if he were reading her thoughts. Then he raised his hands in surrender, took a step back. "Alright, I get it. I should go."

Sarah wished she could tell him otherwise. Wished she could tell him that he didn't have to go, that he could stay. That she needed him and even that she wanted him but she just sighed, standing on her tippy-toes to give him a hug.

He lifted her off her feet slightly and said in her ear, "Tell Kira I'll be around tomorrow sometime to hang out, okay?"

"Sure thing," she said quietly after her feet found solid ground.

"Take care," he said with an easy grin, a grin she should have loved, and walked away. Sarah tipped her head with a tight smile and looked into the distance where Delphine and Cosima and Kira were kneeling in a tight little group around some kind of plant looking every bit like a picture perfect family.


	3. GFSM, The Twins And Cosima

**A/N:** GFSM stands for genderfluid Sarah Manning, which is a very favourite headcanon of mine.

* * *

Cosima came home from a long day at the university lab to see Helena and Sarah talking softly at the kitchen table, each with a baby in their arms. Cosima grinned, feeling warm and fuzzy all over. After everything they've been through, Helena and Sarah deserved this. To be quiet. Still. They all did.

"Hey babe," Cosima said gently, setting her bag down by the couch and padding over to Sarah, bending down to give her a kiss. "Hey Helena," she added as she settled her hand onto Sarah's shoulder.

"Hello sestra Cosima," Helena greeted, a small, contented smile on her face. "It is good to see you. How is the schooling?"

"It's going really well, yeah! We started into some really totally fascinating stuff in class today about the epigenetics of stem cells and how there's new research that could totally alter the biological science field, I mean, I just-"

"Cos," Sarah rolled her eyes at her girlfriend, "You know I think it's hot when you talk science 'n shite, but that doesn't mean that I have a clue what you're talking about. Plus, Helena's gotta meet with Jesse."

"Right, yeah, sorry, it's just so totally-" Cosima started, waving a hand around in apology.

"Don't be sorry babe," Sarah smirked, turning her head to kiss Cosima's fingers that still rested on her shoulder. "You can talk science to me later, between my-"

"This is my time to leave now, I think," Helena interrupted, standing abruptly, but managing to keep from jostling the newborn in her arms. "Here sestra Cosima," Helena held the baby slightly away from herself, allowing Cosima to slip her arms underneath the bundle and pull it close to her chest.

Even though this wasn't the first time Helena had asked them to look after her twins, Cosima's breath still caught at the warmth of the tiny little human in her arms. "She just keeps getting more and more beautiful Helena," Cosima breathed, hardly taking her eyes off the tiny baby's sleeping face.

"Yes, she will grow up to be big and strong too," Helena supplied plainly.

Sarah stood slowly too, taking a moment to admire the soft image that Cosima and child created, before turning to Helena. "You should go meathead, Jesse's waiting outside."

"Do not call me this," Helena returned with her usual good-natured grumble.

"Go on," Sarah smiled, shifting the baby to one arm so that she could ruffle Helena's hair with the other hand. "We'll see you when you get back in a few hours." Helena nodded, then bent to kiss each of her babies foreheads before waving slightly and heading out the door.

"I hope you keep that promise about letting me talk science between your legs later, mister," Cosima grinned, finally allowing herself to take in her girlfriend's image, now that Helena was gone. "You look good with that on, yenno," Cosima slipped a finger into the waistband of Sarah's packable boxers, allowing them to snap back against Sarah's skin with a slight sting.

"Not in front of the babies, Cos, oh my god," Sarah rolled her eyes again, but there was a glint in her eyes that said that Cosima was definitely getting laid tonight after Helena picked up the twins.

"But the attractiveness factor of that baby, Sarah!" Cosima insisted, hooking her fingers back into Sarah's waistband. "Like, I know I've said this before, but, shit, somehow you manage to look even hotter holding that little tiny thing."

"You _have_ said that before," Sarah hummed, lifting her free hand and brushing Cosima's dreads away from her face, a gesture that was more soft and loving than hard and wanting. "And you, Cosima Niehaus, are the most beautiful mother in this entire world."

"Little too early to be getting all sappy, isn't it?" Cosima teased, but was blushing all the same.

Sarah just shrugged and cupped her hand around the back of Cosima's neck, pulling her in for a gentle, slow kiss. "I just think you're beautiful," she murmured against Cosima's lips. "And I know I don't say it enough, so."

"I should tell Helena to bring the twins around more often, if it's gonna get this kind of talk out of you," Cosima said, leaning in to peck Sarah on the lips before heading over to the couch.

"Wha- if you just want me to be more romantic 'n shit, then I can do that Cos!" Sarah protested quietly, bouncing the baby in her arms when the little girl fussed momentarily in her sleep.

"Sure you can... daddy," Cosima bit her lip suggestively as she settled down on the couch, leaving room for Sarah to join her.

"What did I say about in front of the kids?" Sarah growled, the low timbre of her words absolutely proving Cosima's point. Whichever point that was. Cosima couldn't exactly remember now, overwhelmed as she was by the sound of Sarah's voice and the sight of her girlfriend holding a baby and wearing a packer.

"Well, if you're trying to, y'know, _not_ make me want to bang you right here on this couch, you could try being a little less sexy?" Cosima groaned in complaint, forcing herself to take her eyes off of Sarah's... everything.

"And _you're_ supposed to be the responsible one," Sarah sassed right back, poking her in the ribs lightly, so that Cosima didn't twitch and startle the baby.

"Okay, okay! I give," Cosima laughed, batting at Sarah's hand to stop the light, but insistent jabs. "C'mon, these babies are making me feel snuggly."

"You always feel snuggly, Cos," Sarah said, but the faux-protest hadn't even finished crossing her lips as she started to settle deeper into the couch, shifting the baby more firmly into the crook of her elbow while she opened her other arm up so Cosima could settle into her side.

Cosima breathed out a long sigh as she sunk into Sarah's warmth. "This couldn't get any more perfect, Sar," Cosima murmured, leaning her head back onto Sarah's shoulder to capture her lips once more.

"Don't jinx it," she grinned wryly, her lips twitching against Cosima's.

Cosima rolled her eyes, lightly knocking her head against Sarah's cheek before settling firmly back into Sarah's side once more. "I just feel.. like I'm finally safe, y'know? Like _we're_ finally safe," she sighed, closing her eyes and just _feeling_ Sarah and the baby against her. Feeling warm. Feeling happy.

"Yeah...," Sarah breathed, "Feels good. Feels like home."


	4. Shay's Return And Sarah's Reveal

The last thing Cosima was expecting to see on the caller display of her phone was the name _Shay Davydov._ "What the hell...," Cosima muttered to herself, before picking up. "Uh, hello?"

"Hey Cosima," Shay's easygoing, relaxed voice spoke.

"Uh.. Shay, god. This is.. really unexpected," Cosima stuttered slightly in confusion. _After all these months, why the hell was she calling now?_

As with their very first Sapphire date, Shay didn't waste any time on pleasantries, answering Cosima's exact thought, making her wonder if Shay was, in fact, a mind reader. "Well, I heard you almost died a little while ago," she stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh..kay?" Cosima replied, confusion thick in her tone now. "And so you're calling now because...?"

"Because that French woman of yours told me that I should," Shay said, a shrug evident in her tone.

"Delphine told-"

"Between you and me, she's kind of psycho. But, you know, you can't just ignore it when the significant other of your old ex tells you that your ex basically _died,_ " Shay explained, "So now I'm calling."

"Significant other who's no longer significant," Cosima muttered, glancing around the apartment at the life that her and Sarah had built together.

"Oh, she's out of the picture now?" Shay asked quickly. Too quickly.

"You're way too perceptive, god," Cosima said, but couldn't help but laugh lightly.

"One of my better qualities," Shay replied, and Cosima swore she could hear a grin in the words. A grin that she remembered well.

"Do you wanna come over to my new place? You know, since I'm not dying anymore, I moved into an apartment with, uh.. with a friend," Cosima stumbled over the title. But it was easier to call Sarah a friend in front of Shay, again, instead of explaining what they actually were. Girlfriend _and_ clone. Best to explain that one step at a time.

"You move on quick, huh?" Shay teased.

"It's definitely _way_ more complicated than that," Cosima groaned, rubbing her forehead.

"Sounds like a story I'll have to hear in person then," Shay said definitively. "Are you busy later this week?"

"I'm not dying anymore, so, yes, I'm free," Cosima said, "I don't have any classes on Wednesday's, so why don't you swing by the apartment in the afternoon?"

"Sure thing," Shay said, her grin so evident once more. A pause. Then, "It was nice to hear from you again, Cosima."

"You too, Shay. See you in a few days."

The last thing Cosima was expecting on Tuesday night was Sarah walking out of their shared bedroom completely nude wearing her favourite strap-on. "Babe," she purred, raising the temperature of the room by several degrees. "I think you've studied hard... enough for the night. Why don't you come sit on daddy's lap and take a break?"

Not like Cosima was going to resist when Sarah used _that_ voice, but the last of her resolve completely disintegrated when Sarah stalked up behind her and pressed the toy lightly into the small of Cosima's back. "There was... someone um.. coming.. later," Cosima mumbled, completely scatterbrained as Sarah bent over to bite lightly at the skin of Cosima's neck.

Sarah laughed, pushing her hips into Cosima's back. "Yeah," Sarah growled into Cosima's ear, "You will be. Now c'mon. Daddy doesn't like to be kept waiting."

The last thing Cosima was expecting to hear while tangled up in Sarah's limbs was a sharp knock at the door. "Wha'th'hell," she groaned, attempting to roll over, the task almost impossible as Cosima had fallen asleep with Sarah still inside her. "Shit," Cosima let out a breathy moan as her movement created friction in _exactly_ the right places. "Sarah...," Cosima sighed into Sarah's ear, sinking back on top of her warm body, "Can you just-"

The knock sounded at the door again and suddenly Cosima remembered. _Shay._ "Shit," Cosima laughed. More like huffed, because Sarah was still dead to the world – understandable, to say the least – and Cosima needed to find the willpower to pull herself off of Sarah.

"Cosima? Cosima's mysterious new significant other, is anybody home?" Shay's voice drifted through the door, accompanied by another series of knocks.

"Shit, mm fuck.. I mean," Cosima tried to call out in reply as she shifted herself off of Sarah, only to further send her hormones into overdrive. She cleared her throat as she finally slid free, scrounging around on the floor for her clothes, discarded from last night. "Yeah, I'll just.. I'll be right there Shay!"

Cosima made her way over to the door, not without a great amount of difficulty, and opened the door for Shay, leaning on the doorpost for support as she greeted her, "Hey Shay! God, it's been... awhile, right?"

"A couple months, sure. I guess time would be hard to keep track of when you're dying though, I suppose?" Shay smiled, folding her arms and ducking her head slightly.

"Yeah uh, totally. Something like that," Cosima grinned toothily back at her, trying to hide the fact that her knees were starting to buckle. "Uh, um why don't you, uh.. y'know." She gestured vaguely behind her before quickly returning her hand to the doorpost for support.

Shay stepped into the apartment, sending Cosima a strange look as she passed her. "Sure you're not still dying, Cosima? You're looking a little-"

"Cos!" A throaty, still-thick-from-sleep voice called out in clear exasperation, "Babe, you know you're not supposed to be up the day after! I was gonna make you breakfast in bed, you shouldn't be-"

Cosima dropped her head onto the doorpost at Sarah's voice, taking a moment to compose herself and to pray that Sarah had at least taken off the harness before climbing out of bed. "...and this is the mysterious new significant other, I'm assuming," Shay smirked, taking in the image of Sarah wearing a baggy band t-shirt that just barely covered the obvious leather straps of her harness. _At least she took off the attachment,_ Cosima sighed inwardly in relief.

Then Shay blinked. And took a closer look. "Wait... are you two-?"

"Yeah," Cosima waved an arm weakly, signalling Sarah's caretaker instincts. "This is Sarah. She's my clone."

"Girlfriend, actually," Sarah grinned smugly as she scooped her arms underneath Cosima's wobbly frame and picked her up in a bridal carry, the movement causing the bottom of her shirt to ride up, revealing more of the leather harness strapped around her thighs.

"You guys are fucking with me, right?" Shay asked in disbelief, "And I thought your ex was crazy, leaving me a voicemail about some super secret corporation and how you're in danger-"

"We're not fucking with you, really, this is-" Cosima started to explain when Sarah cut her off, shifting her arms into a more secure position.

"If you'd like to join us though, I don't think Cosima would mind," Sarah smirked, "Me either, come to think of it."

Cosima groaned, trying to control her blush as she rolled her eyes. "Sarah, babe. Seriously. This is _so_ not the time for that."

"Wha?" Sarah protested with a slightly shrug, glancing from Cosima over to Shay. "You've got good taste. Must run in the genes or something."

Shay threw her hands up in defeat. "I'll come back some other time. Seems like you two have been busy."

"Uh.. sorry.. about all this, um, Shay," Cosima shrugged, finally allowing herself to drop wearily against Sarah's chest.

She waved her off and went to the door. Just as she was about to open, she turned back and said, "For the record, you are into some kinky shit, Niehaus." Then she was gone.

Sarah raised her eyebrows at her girlfriend once the door had shut. "Well, she is right about that."

"Just... shut up and make me the breakfast in bed that you promised," Cosima sighed, nuzzling her nose against Sarah's neck.

Sarah hummed, kissing the top of Cosima's head lightly, "Anything for you, babe."


	5. Vessel

Cosima likes to watch the people on the earth. The way she imagines that they like to watch her. Well, not her, exactly. Her friends. The humans down below, they'd point upwards, towards Cosima's home and say, "Look, there's the Big Dipper." And they'd dip their arms and crane their necks to trace the pattern.

Cosima had never even imagined leaving the cosmos. For as long as she'd been aware, space was where she'd existed. If her affinity to earth had been because of a previous existence down on its surface, her memories of the place had been wiped clean. Which was totally fine, Cosima reasoned. Because existing in space, amongst the stars, that was what she knew. Warm. And friendly. And home.

Until a young, single mother bought a telescope for her daughter who was barely old enough to walk.

Cosima had never been able to hear distinct words or sentences before. Different emotions, high or low, tonal inflections, sure. And Cosima was pretty good at reading facial expressions too. But never before had she been able to hear words.

"See Kira? Do you see them?" the young mother's voice encouraged brightly, her hand on her daughter's back as the little girl grasps the neck of the telescope with two chubby little hands. "Do you see how bright they are?"

Space never seemed more quiet. The stars, the comets, the meteors – each had their own note, their own song, creating music – a symphony. But the noise was suddenly missing a melody.

"Do you see them? How bright they are?"

Space suddenly never seemed more cold. More constricting. Cosima had never craved a human's touch before, not for as long as she had existed in the void. Logic told her that she'd either freeze them to death or burn them alive. But something, some little tiny distant voice, like the song of Pluto, told her that the woman and child... that they were a supernova unto themselves.

Drifting had become an easy part of Cosima's life. She loved the endless, empty seconds of soundless thought and stars. She didn't have a _form,_ not technically, and thus didn't float, exactly. But she could go places. She could feel that she was _elsewhere,_ but she never actually travelled there. She drifted more through existence, rather than distance. But never before had she wanted to stay in one place than when she had heard the little girl's voice joining her mother's for the first time.

"There's something alive up there, mummy."

If Cosima hadn't been blown away by how innocent _and_ articulate the little girl – Kira – sounded, her scientific brain would have inserted some fact about how the stars seen by the human eye are actually dead by the time their light reaches the planet's surface. Actually dead like Cosima was. Or used to be. She existed.. just not by any normal definition of the word.

Apparently Kira didn't have a normal definition either. "I can hear someone talking."

"What do you mean baby?" the mother asked in confusion. A confusion that Cosima shared. She hadn't spoken in so long. She wasn't even sure if she even still _could._

"There's somebody up there," Kira whispered, her tiny little words carrying through the vacuum of the atmosphere.

"Up there?" Mother asked, her confusion turning into slight nerves. "Baby, what are you-?"

"There," Kira pointed. And even though Cosima wasn't in one particular place or the other, she felt like she was being pointed right at. "She sounds so pretty."

"She...?" The concern became more pronounced.

A new voice entered the scene. Or, rather, a new inflection, a new tone. The woman that it belonged to appeared at the door of the house, light spilling into the small backyard. The older woman made a gesture, a grin appearing on her face as Kira complained.

"But there's something big up there! I was just telling mummy! A few more minutes, please?" Kira pleaded, grabbing her mother's hand and glancing between her mum and the older woman.

"We'll be in in a few minutes, S," Mother squeezed Kira's hand, "Wont we, monkey?" The girl nodded enthusiastically and the older woman, "S", just shook her head, bemused, and went back inside, shadows falling over the yard once more.

Cosima hadn't ever tried talking before – she never had a need to. But... Kira had said she could hear her... how she sounded. _Pretty,_ Cosima marvelled, feeling like a million tiny sunbursts. Nervously, she tried making her own melody to match the frequency of the little family beneath her, "What's your mother's name, sweetheart?" Her voice vibrated throughout the space before her, stars shifting and skittering around her at the sound. _I... I have a voice,_ Cosima felt the universe expand around her as she breathed in wonder.

"She's talking again mummy!" Kira cried jubilantly, tugging on her mother's arm so that she could look through the telescope where Kira at somehow pointed it _at_ Cosima. "She wants to know your name," Kira dropped her voice into a reverent whisper, like communicating with Cosima was some kind of otherworldly secret. Which, well, it really kind of was.

"Right, this... _thing_ that's alive wants to know _my_ name," was the sceptical reply, "Baby, I think we should go back in now, yeah? It's almost your bed time."

"Thing?!" Cosima huffed, stars flaring around her in her indignation. "I'll have you know that _whatever_ I am, I am _much_ bigger than your simple description of a _thing._ "

On the ground, Kira gaped and pointed to the sky to where Cosima was. "Look mummy... the _stars."_

As Cosima's ire faded, so did the stars glow around her revert back to their natural state. But they had brightened just long enough for Kira's mom to catch sight of the phenomenon. Her jaw hanging open and her grip tightening around Kira's hand in fear, "Uh.. m'names Sarah... okay? Whoever or _whatever_ you are, if you're out for like, some kind of revenge with, like, a natural disaster or some shite, could y'maybe just... let us live?"

Kira started giggling at her mother's panic. "She doesn't want to hurt you!"

"That's like, the _last_ thing on my mind Sarah," Cosima affirmed, and Sarah yelped.

"Shite! What was that, who said that – _where_ are-?"

Cosima stilled as she watched Sarah whirl around in the backyard, her death grip on Kira's hand the only thing keeping her from falling over. "You can hear me too?" she asked in quiet awe.

"God, what- _is_ that?!" Sarah hissed, pawing at her ear. "Like some hum or a buzz or some shite, god it's-"

"It's her!" Kira said firmly, grabbing her other hand to get her to stop flailing. "You should ask her her name mummy! She knows your now!"

"Ask _her_? This _thing_ that's just.. up in space?! That bloody made the bloody stars go bloody nuts?!" Sarah exclaimed, shaking her head violently, turning around, "No, okay. We're going to bed right now monkey, c'mon, let's go."

Kira protested, but realized that her mother's panic was not to be reasoned with. Just as they were nearing the house, Kira glanced right up at the sky, right at Cosima and simply whispered, "Please."

Knowing that there was a possibility that Cosima might never be able to hear human voices again, much less communicate in _some way,_ Cosima mustered up her concentration, gathered the energy from the stars and directed a single melody in Sarah's direction, "My name is Cosima."

Sarah stopped with one foot on the step of the deck. Kira, a couple steps in front of her, bounced on her toes and stared at her mom in glee. "Did you hear her?" she whispered yet again. And pointed once more. "See? There."

"I dunno what I heard," Sarah shrugged her shoulders, as if to shake off the loud, staticky hum that had reverberated down into her very soul. "We're both just tired, yeah monkey? C'mon, let's go inside."

Kira's face dropped as Sarah ushered her inside. Cosima felt her own being drop, the stars around her winking slowly, their song slowing into something more melancholy. She was just about to drift away, to watch the sun rise over the Pacific Ocean, when Sarah turned around, gazing blankly into the sky about her eyes.

"I dunno who or _what_ you are," she stated, shaking her head once and rolling her eyes at herself at how ridiculous she sounded. "But you make my daughter happy. And life's been hard for her, y'know? After she lost her dad. So... if, like, if you can stay or – bloody hell. It's the _sky,_ you bloody idiot," she shook her head once more, " _Nothing's_ up there, you silly tit. Just go to bed."

Cosima watched once more as Sarah turned and headed back into the house, shutting the door behind her with finality this time. And, despite Sarah's disbelief, Cosima couldn't help but bring the stars around her into a brighter glow as she envisioned the sunrise, and crossed the world.

If she had stayed a moment longer, she would have seen a little face peeking through the curtains of her bedroom window, tiny hands splayed against the glass, curious eyes still scanning the stars.


	6. Dancing

"Auntie Cosima, Mummy looks sad," Kira said quietly into Cosima's ear. Cosima glanced over at the woman in question, seeing how her head hung between her knees, her hands drooping from where they rested on her thighs. She looked like the weight of the world had collapsed on top of her, leaving her in the ruins.

"She looks very sad," Cosima agreed quietly, her heart choking. "Why don't you go talk to her, cheer her up?"

"I can't, Auntie Cosima. You know that. Mummy wont see me. Not like you do," Kira explained again, folding her arms in slight impatience.

Cosima rubbed her forehead with a heavy sigh, feeling a headache starting to build. "Of course I'll go, but-" Cosima started, looking back up to where Kira was standing. Used to be standing. The little girl was gone. Again.

"Cos?" Sarah asked from across the room her voice thick, her words heavy.

"Yeah. Yeah," Cosima said quickly, rising from her spot at the kitchen table and crossing the room quickly to join Sarah on the couch. "I'm here Sarah."

"Who were you talking to?"

 _Ki-_ But the little girl's name stuck in her throat. _"Those aren't the rules,"_ her voice echoed in Cosima's head. Though, who's rules she was talking about, Cosima didn't know. And probably would never know, unless they found her. _"And soon."_

"No one," she gave, starting to lean towards Sarah's side. "Just myself," she murmured quietly as Sarah opened her arm automatically and allowed Cosima to fall against her.

"M'not entertaining enough for you?" Sarah asked, but her face was flat, her voice, toneless. Cosima's heart ached for her.

 _"Cheer her up, Auntie Cosima."_

"Here," Cosima stood, even as her body craved the warmth that Sarah provided. "Let me entertain _you_ for once." She turned back to Sarah on the couch. Held out her hand. Tried to force a smile onto her lips. "This'll be fun, promise."

"What're you-?" Sarah started, then shook her head as she spied the way that Cosima went about nudging things out of the way, clearing a slightly larger area in the middle of the room. "You want me to dance with you? Like there's _anything_ about... _any_ of this? That's worth dancing for? Fat chance, Cos. Not happening."

 _"Tell her it would make me happy."_ Cosima jerked in slight suprise, but wasn't altogether shocked – Kira just kept talking to her. She must've been lonely. _"I am. And I'm cold. Please help mummy be happy again."_

"Kira would want you to be happy right now," Cosima tried, looking down at Sarah slumped over on the couch, staring aimlessly out the window.

But not for long. At the mention of her daughter, and being _happy_ no less, Sarah snapped up, bolting into a standing position faster than Cosima could track. Cosima could feel her heart pounding in her wrists as Sarah snarled and advanced on her. " _Kira_ would be happy?!" Sarah growled, pushing right into Cosima's space, " _Kira?!_ You mean, the _Kira_ who has been missing for five months?! Kira, _my daughter,_ who is probably scared and alone and _wanting her mother_ right _now –_ y'think that you and I, _who she can't see, can't hear_ , dancing?! Would make her _happy?_ You've got some _fucking_ nerve, Cosima, t'just-" Sarah screamed, lifting her hands and shoving at Cosima's shoulders, sending Cosima stumbling backwards a step, instinctively latching her arms around Sarah's neck to keep herself from falling.

 _"Don't let go of her. You'll lose her."_

"Th-there," Cosima stuttered, shifting her arms around Sarah's frame into something that resembled something more of a comfortable slow-dancing posture. "J-just.. hold on to me, okay? Like this," she pulled an arm away to manoeuvre one of Sarah's arms into place over her shoulder. She nodded as Sarah slowly putting her other arm around Cosima's shoulders, appearing more hesitant than grudging. The adrenaline of her anger must have tapered rapidly.

After several long moments of turning slowly – moments that seemed like years and seconds at the same time – Sarah's head crumbled onto Cosima's shoulder. As Sarah's own shoulders started shuddering. "Cos, I... I'm so sorry, I just-"

Cosima immediately began shushing her, rubbing her back up and down in a soothing motion, halting their slow turning and began rocking side to side instead. "You don't have to apologize, Sarah," she murmured in Sarah's ear. "I know you're scared. I know you miss her. But she's okay. She'll be okay. You would know if she wasn't."

Sarah hiccuped pathetically, pulling her face away from Cosima's shoulder to swipe angrily at her tears. "But wha'f... what if – if she's been, y'know, g-gone too long and I.. I can't feel her anymore?"

"Don't, Sarah," Cosima commanded gently, catching Sarah's hand and pressing it into her chest. "Don't say that. You'd know. You would."

"How are you so sure about all this?" Sarah sighed heavily, her emotions collapsing and folding her frame all at once, her forehead dropping onto Cosima's chest just above their joined hands.

"I just am," Cosima whispered, glancing up and seeing Kira sitting cross-legged on the couch where Sarah had just been sitting. "You just have to trust me. She's okay," Cosima said as Kira smiled at her.

 _"Thank you."_

Turning her attention back to Sarah, Cosima kissed her temple and murmured, " _We're_ gonna be okay. I promise."


	7. Eye Contact

**A/N:** Canon-divergent from 4x06. This fic is a little snippet from a 'verse that me and two other people are writing. It diverges from canon when Evie takes Cosima and holds her captive at the Brightborn facilities. Sarah and crew eventually mount a rescue, but by the time Cosima is safely back with the Clone Club, she has sustained major psychological and physical traumas at the hands of Evie.

* * *

For the longest time after Cosima was rescued from Brighton, bloody and battered, she wouldn't look at anyone. It's not that she didn't want to, but she was terrified of what pain might be inflicted upon her if she even dared look up from the floor.

Sarah had tried, several times, to convince Cosima that she was safe. "I don't understand," Cosima heard Sarah mutter to Mrs. S after talking to Cosima for the fifth time, "She knows she's safe, right? We would never hurt her."

"She just needs time, love. She's been through an extreme amount of trauma and she needs time to heal," Mrs. S said, and her soft gentle voice almost drove Cosima to tears right there on that couch in the basement of the safe house. _They wanted her to be better._ Cosima _wanted herself to be better. So why couldn't she just_ look _at them?_

"Sarah just wants me to be happy, Sarah just wants me to be happy – stupid, stupid, stupid, shhh stop, sh-she'll h-hear you-" Cosima whispered frantically to herself, bringing a palm to her face and striking her cheek repeatedly as she rocked on the couch.

"Hey!" A loud voice, too loud, called over to her. _It's Evie – she's back, she's going to punish me for making noise, I shouldn't have-_ "Hey... hey Cos? Cos, love?" The voice lowered, the words became more gentle. Cosima cracked open her eyes, caught a glance of Sarah's combat booted feet. Felt a little more relaxed, but still shattered.

"Evie was.. she was _here_ just now, sh-she w-was sh-shouting at m-me, and I just-"

"No.. no love," Sarah was quick to correct in a way that was so soft, so gentle. "I'm so sorry Cosima, that was my fault, see? I was too loud, love. I'm so sorry. I won't hurt you. I promise."

"Sarah?" Cosima asked, hating how shaky her voice was. _She's gonna leave you like this, you're a mess, why would she want-_

"Yeah Cos? I'm here, love."

Cosima stared at the way Sarah's hands twisted in her lap, betraying the anxiety that she kept out of her voice. All for Cosima's benefit. "I.. I-I'm s-sorry I c-cant l-look at you, I j-just.. I'm just s-sorry, I-"

Cosima hated the apology. Hated te way she had to make it so many times over the past few days. She waited for Sarah's heavy sigh, one that would precede her usual "It's okay Cos", her repeated platitude "I know you just need time". But none of it came. Instead she murmured, "You know that I – I'm here for you, yeah?" her voice catching in the middle of her sentence, like she wanted to say something else but changed her mind rapidly through the words.

"I know y-you a-are, Sarah, and th-that-s why it's s-so fr-fr-frustratating to not- t-to not be able to, to.. to l-look at you and I.. I w-want to l-look at you, and and.. and it's n-not f-fair to y-you and I just.."

Sarah rode out Cosima's stumbling words quietly, only shifting slightly to rub a palm against her knee. At what Cosima thought was a clearly uncomfortable motion of Sarah's hand, she stuttered off into silence, waiting for the reprimand, unsure of Sarah's reaction because she couldn't bring herself to look at Sarah's face. _What if she saw anger or disgust there, in her eyes? What if she hated her?_

Sarah still hadn't said anything. Cosima began rocking nervously at her silence. But just as she was about to raise her hand to start hitting her face again, Sarah's hand turned over, palm up. Resting quietly on her own lap, it was an invitation. "C'mere," Sarah said softly. And, even though she couldn't see her face, Cosima could hear the gentle grin in it. It made her want to look up, to see Sarah's smile for real, with her own two eyes.

So she did. And as she made eye contact with Sarah for the first time since her rescue, Cosima saw the way they lit up as their gazes met. "Atta girl," Sarah whispered quietly, oh so quietly, her throat choked with emotion. "I'm so, so proud of you, Cos."

Cosima cracked a smile of her own, a small upward twitch of her lips. It wasn't as bright or as open as it used to be, but it was her first smile in what felt like years. Then, without taking her eyes off of Sarah's warm, steady gaze, Cosima slid her palm across her lap, clasped her hand in Sarah's strong grip. And squeezed.


	8. First Light

**A/N:** Within the Vessel 'verse. Set after "Vessel".

* * *

"Where did you come from, Cosima?" Sarah asked the sky late at night as she sat on her deck, wrapped in a large, fluffy blanket.

Cosima hummed, sending the stars into tiny vibrations around where she existed, where she managed to hold most of her form in one concentrated area. "I don't know, exactly," she replied, feeling longing accompany her words. _That was new._ She brushed the strange existence off to the side as she continued, "I've always been here, I think. Maybe I was on Earth once though... but I can't remember."

Sarah shifted down onto her elbows to stare at the sky where she thought Cosima was. She wasn't as perceptive as her daughter when it came to locating Cosima, if Cosima could be humanly located at all, but she was still able to project her words in such a way that, no matter where Sarah was directing them, Cosima still felt warm in receiving them. "I guess that was too much of me to ask, huh?" Sarah laughed slightly, shaking her head at herself.

Cosima felt herself expand at the sound of Sarah's laughter. It was a sound that she had only just begun to hear, but felt like she had been listening to it for as long as she'd been alive. _No. For as long as she had been_ existing. _She wasn't alive. She wasn't. So how come being around Sarah made her feel like she knew what breathing felt like?_

"Cos?" Sarah spoke after several moments.

That too, that... _nickname_ , as Sarah called it, was new as well. And just as thrilling as Sarah's laugh. "Yeah Sarah?" Cosima replied, feeling happy.

Happy? She.. she shouldn't know what that felt like. That was a _human_ emotion. Cosima only knew about it through her ageless roaming of the earth. She knew what it looked like, what human tones surrounded it, what facial expressions matched it. But... _feeling it_? She shouldn't be able to feel it.

"This is... nice, y'know?" Sarah stated simply, dropping onto her back with a contented sigh, her eyes roving over the starscape, tracing constellations and searching for Cosima amongst them.

"You don't think you're crazy anymore?" Cosima teased, feeling lighter than she had ever in a long time. Lighter even than when she had somehow managed to travel several centuries into the future, warping from bronze to titanium. From ancient Greece to here. Now. With Sarah.

Sarah laughed again, and Cosima felt the stars flare around her in response. Like she was blushing. "You can't blame me for not believing my daughter at first, can you?" Sarah shrugged, lifting an arm to trace the pattern of the brighter stars above her. "She's at that age, y'know? Kids have amazing imaginations. But... I can see you too, Cosima. I know you're here."

"You know, I...," she shouldn't do this. She shouldn't even think about trying. Something outside of her existence told her it was wrong. That it couldn't be done. That Sarah would _die._

As if she were able to sense Cosima's hesitance, Sarah lowered her arm slightly, her fingers drifting apart in her confusion. "Something wrong?"

Cosima felt the stars around her start to buzz angrily, like they knew she was about to attempt something that would mostly certainly mess up the balance of the existence of Earth and Universe. The symphonies of the other planets and comets rose to a crescendo as well, and the clashing arguments of space and sky nearly caused Cosima to begin to implode.

Then, a melody cut through the war, silencing all of them. "Are you still here with me Cosima?"

"Yes!" Cosima bellowed vehemently in a vicious attempt to cut through all the noise.

From the Earth, Sarah saw a light form from the darkness, like some kind of supernova, but with no probable cause. "Cosima...," Sarah whispered, sitting up abruptly in her awe, her jaw dropping open. "You're... you're beautiful."

"Sarah, I...," Cosima felt _hot_. Like the molecules around her had supercharged and fused together into a new gas giant, brighter and more brilliant than the sun. And yet, somehow much more distant. "Sarah!" she shouted, as the Earth's surface sped backwards away from her, a reverse comet with no gravity to tie her down.

And she fell so far away that the stars became few and far between. Until there was only one star remaining, blinking and bobbing in front of her eyes like the lure of a giant sea monster – beautiful and deadly all at once.

Then, from the light, emanated an echo. "Cosima, what do you think you're doing?"

Disoriented by the sudden cold around her, the sudden absence of _Sarah,_ Cosima could only speak to the immediate thoughts on her mind. "Where is Sarah?" she demanded, "What happened to her, is she hurt-?"

"Stop asking about her," The Light commanded fiercely, "The whole universe heard your thoughts Cosima. To be _near_ a _human._ Do you know what kind of power you possess? You would _kill_ her! But more than that, the very balance of energy between earth and sky would be thrown into chaos!"

Cosima finally gathered her thoughts to the best of her abilities – even though her mind was still reverberating with the last words she heard Sarah speak; _you're beautiful. Cosima.. you're beautiful._

 _"_ _STOP!"_ The Light roared, piercing into her consciousness, clearly reading her thoughts. "There is no good way this could possibly end, Cosima. Do not force me to untether you from the earth. It _is_ your galaxy, but the upset you could create by pursuing this.. insane infatuation – it would do more than just kill one human. Do you understand this?"

"Not really, no," Cosima felt herself vibrate in response to his words, her irritation growing.

"You are experiencing human emotions," The Light said after a long pause, during which Cosima felt as if her entire being had been analyzed somehow.

Cosima didn't respond, her inner workings humming in silent affirmation.

"In the event...," The Light started slowly, as if its words were greatly weighted and highly deliberated, "That Sarah survives your touch – a touch from an extension of the cosmos itself – then you will change."

"You're letting me go back to her? To them?" Cosima picked up quickly, glowing more brightly in her excitement.

"Yes. But-" The Light said, its brightness already starting to fade as Cosima started to will herself to return back to Earth, to return back to Sarah's backyard. "One thing you should know, Cosima, before I release you.

"If she and the girl both die by your energy," The Light warned, dimming into the faintest glow, the quietest echo, "Another galaxy shall have to take your place. And you, Cosima... will be destroyed."

Cosima felt The Light's tether to her snap, but she drifted momentarily, a black hole opening up in a chasm in the center of her existence where she might've imagined a human heart to be. She didn't care about being destroyed – not really. She was energy, so her molecules would just get recycled somewhere else altogether, maybe not as one cohesive unit, but still existing. Like she was now. Sarah and Kira, on the other hand, they-

At the mere thought of the mother and her little girl, Cosima found herself to be right back above their backyard without even trying. _Your bond with them is strong, I see,_ The Light's echo drifted in and around the stars that surrounded her, _Let's hope it's strong enough._

"It will be," Cosima muttered to herself, "It will be. You'll see. She'll survive. There's something-"

"Cosima?!" Sarah's voice called from the ground, her blanket shed from her shoulders as she paced tight circles around in the shadows of the backyard. "Where did you go?!"

"Sarah!" Cosima summoned a melody, suddenly aware that talking to Sarah, _a human_ , was much different than the invisible conversations that she had with The Light. That the stars had with each other.

 _Because that's how the universe is supposed to be, my child,_ The Light hummed, sounding like an old grandfather. _Your human comparisons may just be the end of you, Cosima._

Ignoring it, Cosima gathered her song together once more, "Sarah, it's okay! It's okay, I'm back, alright?"

Sarah stopped in her tracks, closing her eyes. As Cosima looked on, Sarah's face turned up and, in the moonlight, a small smile graced her face. "Where did you _go_?" Sarah asked in a quiet tone that Cosima couldn't quite decipher. Was it pain? Anguish? Fear? Caring?

"I wasn't allowed to stay," Cosima explained, drifting closer to the earth than she had ever drifted before.

Sarah's eyes snapped open. And – there – with the visual aid, Cosima managed to recognize one of the emotions that she had been unable to identify earlier. _Fear._ "What?! Why can't you stay? Are you – are you.. leaving?" Sarah whispered, her throat choked with the fear that leaked from her eyes.

Summoning more strength, Cosima drifted down into Sarah's backyard, coming down to Sarah's height for the first time ever. She looked even more radiant up close, with the moonlight spilling shadows over the crevices and dips of the bones of her face, the cracks of her lips. "No," Cosima whispered as well, pulling down a single piece of the supernova that she had created in her rage, drawing it closer to the earth from the high reaches of space. "Look, Sarah. I'm right here."

Sarah's eyes turned up to the sky for a brief second, before widening in shock as a star was seemingly pulled down from space, a brilliant white-gold spool of pure light its anchor. An anchor that twisted and spun in lazy spheres at chest height, a mere two feet away from where Sarah stood. "You're.. you're right _here._ You're.. in front of me," Sarah breathed in shocked awe, lifting her hand in wonder as the piece of Cosima's supernova came to a stop just in front of Sarah's hand.

"I'm here," Cosima breathed, feeling herself to be in awe at the way Sarah's face changed from silver to gold at the light that emanated from part of her being. Then, without any warning, Cosima's light connected with the palm of Sarah's hand.

Cosima felt a powerful surge of energy collide with the center of her being. And everything went black.


	9. talk enough sense

Science wont fix this. Science is too clinical, too clean. There's always an answer. Look long enough, there will be an answer. Years... or decades maybe. Centuries. But you'll find it. A cure. The solution. An answer.

But science doesn't know pain. Science inflicts pain, but it doesn't know it because it hasn't experienced it. Science doesn't know how to feel because it never is the one feeling. It inflicts feelings, not the other way around.

Science could probably find the cure to a broken heart, someday. Could have an injection, a mathematically perfect formula, could exact out the number of stitches for the heartstrings of each different specimen.

But science couldn't be able to cure this. Not this one. This one hurts like a black hole never discovered, like the middle of the sun undiscovered. This hurts in the way that no one would ever know, would ever be able to explain. Art would get close, and maybe music closer. But science? Cold, hard and perfect in its calculations? Could never understand this.

Whatever's going on right now... this is messy. She's gone and it hurts and it _can't be explained._ For once in my life, there's not explanations. She wasn't supposed to go – logic and science told me that. That _I_ was the vulnerable one. _Not_ her. That _I_ was ravaged by the disease, that _my_ lungs were riddled with holes like a rat-chewed sponge. That _I_ was seeping blood, leaking my life out onto tissue after tissue and clinically white and stainless steel surfaces everywhere I went.

She wasn't supposed to go. And science can't explain that.


	10. Someone To Carry You

Cosima had been noticing that, for the past several nights, Sarah hadn't been sleeping. And even if she actually had been, it couldn't have been for very long periods at a time. Ever since Cosima had begun her journey to recovery, she had been sleeping lighter than usual, and every toss and turn of Sarah in the bed next to her would startle her awake until Cosima just didn't bother closing her eyes anymore, taking instead to watching Sarah sleep. Or, well, not sleep.

"You know what's great?" Cosima asked in a raspy voice one night. Because even though she hadn't been sleeping, it was late into the night and she hadn't spoken in awhile. Sarah just gave a noncommittal grunt and shifted slightly. She was listening, but she didn't really care. "Showers at three in the morning," Cosima finished with a grin.

"Sure Cos. Whatever," Sarah yawned and shifted in bed again so that she was facing Cosima now as she tried to get comfortable.

Cosima softened as she looked at Sarah's appearance, the drag of her face, the unnatural paleness that could be seen even with the moonlight bleaching the colour out of their surroundings. The heaviness of her limbs as she shifted slightly once more, her hand resting by Cosima's thigh. "Sarah... you need to try to sleep," she told her gently, scooping up Sarah's hand and tugging it around her own waist as she scooted closer.

"What do you think I had been trying to do before you started going off just now?" Sarah grumbled, but allowed herself to almost unconsciously settle herself more comfortably against Cosima, her head dropping onto the pillow of her chest as she fiddled with the hem of Cosima's pajama tank with her free hand.

"I just... I want to help you somehow," she murmured, her breath hitching slightly as Sarah's absentminded caresses found the bare skin of her stomach under her shirt.

"And telling me that a shower at three in the morning is your way of doing that, is it?" Sarah scoffed as she started to draw back, like she was starting to think that turning to face Cosima was a bad idea. Even though resting on Cosima was the most comfortable she had felt all night.

"I was just trying to think of-"

"You remember that half of my nightmares are of you and Kira drowning yeah? And most of those are you drowning in your own blood, Cos! You think a stupid shower will, I dunno, be able to just... get rid of all that?" she snapped, her hands tightening into desperate fists, tugging and stretching the material of Cosima's shirt.

"I think it might help, yeah," Cosima replied softly as she gently loosened Sarah's grip and took ahold of her hand once more, their fingers automatically tangling and untangling together in a soothing motion.

Cosima's quiet certainty had Sarah letting out a slow, carefully controlled breath as she considered. A hot shower to relax her muscles _did_ sound like one of the better ideas that had been brought forth in an attempt to help Sarah sleep in weeks past. But.. the water... "You'll be there? To.. to help?" she asked, her voice vulnerable in the way that only Cosima ever got the chance to witness.

"Of course," she answered readily, squeezing Sarah's hand and sitting up as she did so. "I'll go turn the water on okay? Just take your time."

"Sure...," Sarah said slowly, just starting to sit up as Cosima headed into the bathroom. The water just started running as Sarah ambled over, blanket still wrapped over her shoulders, peering into the bathroom that was just starting to cloud with steam to see Cosima testing the stream with her elbow.

"I think it's... ready," Cosima began loudly as she turned around, jumping slightly when she saw Sarah standing right behind her. "I thought you were still laying down," she explained sheepishly.

Sarah just shrugged and nudged the blanket from her shoulders, letting out an involuntary shudder the moment its weight was freed from her shoulders. "You said it was ready?" she asked, catching Cosima staring slightly.

She blushed as she nodded vigorously, as if to shake certain thoughts from her head. "I can just, like, head out while you are getting in, 'kay?"

"No!" Sarah started suddenly, reaching for Cosima before dropping her hand awkwardly back by her side. "Uh.. I mean... could you? Please? I..," she sighed, finishing with a quiet, "Stay, please?"

Cosima was silent for a moment, looking at Sarah, staring as if she had never seen her before. Finally, "Yeah, of course. Anything you need," she replied softly, touching Sarah on the arm before turning slightly to allow Sarah the space to get undressed and into the shower.

"Cosima?" was the next thing she heard and Cosima, figuring it was safe, looked up to see Sarah curled up at the bottom of the tub, arms wrapped around steepled knees.

"Yeah Sar?" she asked, her voice rough, though this time it wasn't from sleepy disuse.

"Sit with me?"

Cosima gulped at the pure innocence of the question, and forced herself to calm down. "If that's what you need, sure," she replied carefully, making her way gingerly over to the edge of the tub and sitting down there.

"No I mean..," Sarah began next, after a few moments of silence filled with the patter of the cascading water and the gurgling of the pipes. "With me... in here?"

"Will that help you relax?" Cosima asked, her throat dry as she fiddled with the hem of her pajama tank, like Sarah had just a few minutes ago.

"I dunno," Sarah mumbled, sounding like an exhausted toddler. "Maybe?"

Cosima didn't reply, too busy as she was with the careful removal of her clothes, each movement deliberate and controlled, as if her outward actions would control the inward pounding of her heart. She stood and slipped out of her sweats, and her panties came next. Taking a hopefully unnoticeable, very large breath, she stepped into the tub behind Sarah and settled her legs around the other woman.

"Better?" Cosima asked, her voice ragged in the way that Sarah was sure to notice.

Sarah just hummed and leaned back against Cosima like it was something she did every day. Which it was, but those times had always been done with clothes in between, or maybe even a blanket. But as Sarah relaxed, Cosima found herself breathing easier as well, and she began tracing patterns on Sarah's back like she normally would, chasing water droplets down Sarah's back, bouncing around from the different trails they made, occasionally making pit stops at scars that marked her flesh.

At some point in all of this, Sarah's weight had grown heavier against Cosima, and her head had lolled against Cosima's chest, exposing her relaxed expression underneath the gentle rain of water. "Time for bed then," Cosima whispered, supporting her until she could rest Sarah's exhausted form against the edge of the tub so she could turn off the water and grab towels for herself and Sarah.

After slipping into her own pajamas, she bent down and clumsily lifted Sarah out of the tub, smacking her own elbow against its side, almost dropping Sarah as she cursed at the tingles that ran up her arm.

With a little more manoeuvring, Cosima managed to slip Sarah into her Clash t-shirt and carry her back to bed, dropping her under the covers a little less gently than she had originally intended, but Sarah didn't even stir. "You must've been really exhausted then," Cosima whispered as she slipped under the blankets on her side of the bed, tucking herself into Sarah's back, throwing an arm over her waist.

Wide awake due to her exertions, with adrenaline still pumping through her veins slightly from the carry, Cosima stayed awake and watched Sarah breathe, more easily than she had ever seen Sarah breathe before. "I wish you could be this comfortable all the time," she murmured with a heavy sigh, nuzzling her forehead into the crook of Sarah's neck.

"Cos...," Sarah mumbled in her sleep, shifting inside Cosima's loose hold.

"Shh," Cosima assured her softly, "Just sleep Sar. I'm here for you." And Sarah's gentle, relaxed smile was the only answer Cosima needed.


	11. Far From The Sun

**A/N:** Vessel 'verse. Takes place after "Vessel" but prior to "First Light". From Sarah's POV.

* * *

"I'm a little worried about her, mum," Sarah confided quietly as Kira went about dutifully brushing her teeth before bed.

"Oh, Sarah, what's the harm?" Mrs. S replied with a small eye roll, "It's good that she has such an active imagination isn't it? She could've withdrawn after Cal left, but she seems as bright as ever."

Sarah nodded in agreement, pursing her lips over several details – that Cal leaving still hurt the same as it did four months ago, that Mrs. S hadn't _seen,_ she didn't _see_ the way the stars seemed to dance and glow and become inexplicably _nearer_ -

"All done mummy!" Kira bounded out of the bathroom, grinning as widely as she could to show off her pearly whites.

"Looks good babes!" Sarah grinned, feeling her confusion leave her momentarily, pure love filling in the gaps for the time being. "Let's get S to read you a bedtime story then I'll be back in to kiss you goodnight, yeah?"

"You're not gonna do the voices tonight?" Kira asked, looking put out.

"Hey now," Sarah knelt down in front of the little girl and ruffled her hair, "Mrs. S is _much_ better at those voices than I am, monkey, you know that!"

"But I like it when it's _both_ of you," she pouted, flinging herself forward into Sarah's arms.

"I'll be back in as soon as I can, yeah? Mummy wants to check something out outside, 'kay?" Sarah explained, wincing inwardly as Kira's eyes lit up. _Now she'll be_ way _too excited to sleep._

"You're gonna talk to her, right?!" Kira bounced back from the hug, tilting left and right rapidly in excitement.

"Maybe," Sarah tried, not very hard, to grin. No matter the reason, her daughter's excitement was always, _always_ so damn infectious. "Be good for S and I'll be in to say goodnight in a few, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah yeah!" Kira beamed and took off to her bedroom to pick a story, to wait for her mum to come back and tell her what her and her 'star friend' had talked about.

 _Cosima. Apparently the 'star friend's' name was_ Cosima. _What the bloody hell was she thinking._

A sentiment Mrs. S echoed. "Alright Sarah. What's going on?" she arched an eyebrow at her daughter, "Two minutes ago, you were worried about her overactive imagination and now you're going out there to talk to her _star friend_."

"Hey, no, I never said that," Sarah put up a hand defensively as she grabbed her coat from where she had left it on the back of the kitchen chair. "Noticed a couple screws needed tightening when she was swinging the thing back and forth during one of their "conversations", okay? Just gonna tighten them," she swiped a screwdriver from a drawer and waved it in the air for emphasis. "Gimmie a minute, yeah?"

Mrs. S just gave her one more long once over, skeptical expression still twisting her features. Eventually she nodded and turned to start the process of tucking Kira in.

The second Mrs. S had disappeared down the hallway, Sarah slipped the screwdriver back into the drawer and went out onto the porch, immediately casting her gaze upwards. "What're you doin' out here Manning?" she muttered to herself, spinning in a slow circle and observing all angles of the sky. "There's _nothing_ out there other than stars and shite that scientists haven't really explained yet. Last week was probably just a... meteorological, geographical phenomenon asteroid appearance thing." Even though Sarah had _definitely_ googled if there were any such things on the night that she had witnessed the weird glow. There hadn't, of course, been anything reported. And nothing was due for another several weeks.

"So why're you out here right now, you silly tit?" she muttered once more, flopping onto the swinging bench they had, staring up at the sky with one leg dangling off the side for stability.

 _She sounds so pretty_ , her daughter had said. And, for a brief moment, right before Sarah had gone inside, she had _heard._ Crystal clear and bright, like an undiscovered constellation or a newly formed supernova, Sarah had heard words reverberate into her heart, like they had always existed there. Like an old friend she had forgotten about, reintroducing herself after several long years apart. "My name is Cosima."

 _Cosima._ Sarah had nearly laughed to herself when she replayed the words back to herself later that night. If her mind was _trying_ to play tricks on her, it wasn't working very hard to stretch the truth. Sarah didn't know much about space, granted, but she knew that _cosmos_ were another word to describe them, even had a dog named Cosmo once, in one of her first foster homes. Cosima, cosmos... yeah. Not much of a stretch at all.

 _So why are you back here, Manning?_ she probed her consciousness, searching for an answer. Came up empty. Rolled her eyes as she thought about standing up, Kira was probably waiting for her kiss goodnight, "Maybe 'cause the stars are just nice to look at sometimes? Shite, does there _have_ to be some otherworldly explanation for everything all the time?!"

But even as she told her brain to stand up, she felt heavy, unable to move. Well, no, that wasn't true. She knew she could move, even tapped out a little beat on her stomach with her fingers to prove it. She didn't _want_ to though. Something up in the sky, not particularly a constellation or a certain star, just a _sense_ that something was... well, _there._

She wanted to open her mouth. She knew, maybe, that something, Cosima, might've possibly been up there? Why else was she drawn? Why else did she care?

"Bollocks," she growled at her ridiculousness, finally swinging her feet over onto the deck and pulling herself up to standing, breaking the sense that something was _there_ and replacing it with a feeling of letdown. A feeling she wasn't entirely sure was coming from her.

She shook her head, hard, proceeded to ignore it as she went back inside.

Padding gently into Kira's room, she knelt down by Kira's head and brushed her hair away from her face. "What story did S read you tonight, monkey?"

"The one that's always more fun when you read it with her," Kira pouted pointedly.

Sarah let out a gentle laugh, resting her head on Kira's cheek and stroking her thumb back and forth over the soft skin there. "Promise babes, I'll be there for tomorrow's story, yeah?"

"You can make up for it," Kira began earnestly. And Sarah just _knew_ that she was going to ask about Cos- about her _star friend._

Sarah nodded thoughtfully, as if recalling a grand adventure, and put on her storytelling voice as she recounted a quick tale about the things her star friend had said and had shown her. She almost instantly felt guilty at the way Kira's eyes lit up in wonder at all the little details Sarah explained.

"Okay monkey," Sarah grinned, ruffling her hair once more as she sat up on her haunches, about to stand up, "You've definitely stalled long enough, love. Time for sleep now."

Kira let out a little, infectious yawn. "Okay mummy."

"G'night my little monkey. Sleep tight," Sarah murmured as she stepped out into the hallway and gently closed the door so that it was open just a small crack. Then she went across the hall, kicked off her pants and fell into bed.

When sleep finally claimed her, her dreams were a torment of black holes and airless vacuums, were a saving grace of a supernova's song and a rescuing embrace of a woman's warm brown eyes.


End file.
